Alright, so this has been on my mind this week. To some of you guys this might not come off as something bad or alarming, but I’m just going to share my opinion with all of you. Hopefully you agree. I’ve always felt this need to maintain a certain look around other people. I don’t want to get to rough or start a fight. I’m more passive-aggressive since I rededicated my life to Christ. This is not to bash anyone who acts any different than me, I’m only telling you my personal preference. I fell like the best way to show the love God to other people is to act more like the way He would want me to act. (James 1:19) There was a point in my life where all I did was be aggressive about every little thing. I’ve discovered it’s a much more peaceful life when you’re not angry about everything. So that leads me to today.
Today, something happened that really upset me (I know, I know, what’s new, right?) so I got put in a crummy mood. It seemed like every time I tried to get something done, something personal to make me feel more confident, or something important in just my everyday life, another task got in the way. So in this case, I woke up early in the morning in hopes that I would get a head start in my personal tasks. I got about half-way through what I was doing, until I was met with fated dismay. Several different projects popped up at once. I would finish them and go back to what I was doing and (I kid you not) the minute I picked up what I had been doing before, along came something else. I don’t want this to turn into a rant post, but you get what I mean. It was ANNOYING. I instantly started asking God for patience because I could feel it slipping. I hadn’t eaten so I was “hangry”. I was tired because, again, I had woken up early. My back hurt, as it often does whenever I try to do anything strenuous, as well as other setbacks. When I get like that, I completely shut down. There’s nothing for me to do in those moments but be quiet and show no emotion at all, because I don’t want to be “braty” and negative. I think that’s where the problems always start.
I remember I had washed my hands and started to get myself cleaned up after doing some work outside. I put coconut oil on my hands, cause that’s my go-to product (sent from above) and again I went on to some personal things. Things that I hadn’t gotten done in weeks. The reason I hadn’t done these things on a different day, you may ask, is partially my fault. I put it off to work on my writing, video editing, cleaning, calling friends, etc. But I decided on catching up today, yesterday, so at least it was somewhat planned. As soon as I picked up what I was doing before, the same thing that happened the last time, happened AGAIN. This time I was fed up thinking, why is the world against me? It’s Saturday! Before I knew it…actually before I could even THINK about it, I let it slip. “OH MY F****** GOSH! WHAT NOW?” I stopped dead in my tracks. What treacherous crime had I just committed. I felt like all the angels in heaven had just gasped and set off some alarm. Billy Graham must’ve just gotten an unexplainable shiver down his spine. Basically, hide your kids…this girl has officially lost it. I felt so bad you guys, like I couldn’t recognize my tongue. Like, what is my life even? So let me explain why.
I had made the conscious decision not cuss, again, when I rededicated my life to Christ. I wanted things to be different. But before that, I cursed like a sailor. I said pretty much every curse word you can think of, I’m just being honest. Whenever I tell people this now, they don’t believe me. They’re like “Lol, whatever Hannah, you’re just this dainty little flower child of positivity.” But it’s the truth! I started cursing when I was as young as 12-years-old, although I’m not proud of it. I couldn’t go a day without saying my favorite swear word, the S word. The last time I said the F word…I think I was 20. I’m 23 today. So truly, I felt kind of dirty. It’s the smallest thing in the world, but it seemed so big to me. My fear was and IS that I will let myself slip up so much, that I’ll compromise my values. The world tells me that it’s okay to do a lot of things, and that you’re not normal if you don’t do like them. I don’t care, I don’t ever want to jump off the bridge other people are jumping off of.
I’m telling this story, partially to vent, but also to let you guys know that you’re not a horrible person if you make those kinds of mistakes. I’m so hard on myself that I shame myself and put myself down like dog owner does to their dog. I do that, because I feel like I deserve it. I should feel like a horrible Christian so that I don’t ever do that again. The only problem with that is, of course, my humanity. I don’t give myself enough grace. I have a hard time understanding that God isn’t pointing His finger at me saying, “Look, she screwed up again! That’s 50 points off of her salvation record!” We as Christians have to stop putting ourselves down in that way. We strive for perfection, but we aren’t perfect. If you’re not a Christian and you don’t understand what I’m saying, that’s fine. But this is how I feel. If you struggle even a little bit with guilting yourself, comment down below some ways that you deal with it. I want to hear what you guys have to say about this. I may not have explained everything, but I hope that this helps someone like me. By the way, I did get some of the stuff done that I planned to do, but it’s going to be a longer day to do the other things. I’m already over it. I love you guys so much, and I hope that you enjoy this memorial weekend in whatever way you choose to celebrate it. God bless!
P.S., if you can comprehend this photo, you’re the realest one! XOXO
It’s all Spongebob’s fault.