It Hurts.

There is a way to be knowledgable, without being distracted.

I remember being a kid, always running around and doing something random. I was a very active and impatient child, and even today, I can’t say that I’ve changed much. I have this memory of being hungry and waiting for my food to be done cooking. I can’t remember what it was that I was eating, but I had put it in the microwave for a couple of minutes. My mom warned as I opened the door to take the food out that it might be too hot for me to touch, and that I might have to wait a minute. “Okay, ” I replied, still eyeing the bowl and hoping that it might magically cool itself down within seconds. Moments later I grabbed the bowl and rushed over to the table, feeling the heat in every layer of my skin. After setting it down, it seemed at first that I was okay, and then I started to feel the consequences. I would cry to my mom, “It hurts!” every 5 seconds, praying for relief. Of course, my mom gave me some ice to put on the blistering, red welt, which I did for about 5 minutes. I realized that I was still hungry, and that taking the shortcut did nothing to help me, it only made things worse. After taking the ice off my hand, I ate, and went about the rest of my day. I had forgotten about the welt until I mistakenly put it under hot water when I was washing my hands. “Ahh!”, I cried out in agony, “It still hurts!”.

Today, I wanna just share my experience about something that I’ve been personally going through in my life. At the end, you guys can tell me if you can relate to what I’m gonna say, or if you are struggling in a similar way. I’m someone who at times can be very self- aware. I try to be careful with my words so they don’t hurt people. I try to make sure that I don’t say something that would dishonor God. I try to even wipe the grumpy look off my face when I’m at the store so people don’t think I’m mean. I’ve realized a long time ago that I carry my experiences with me, whether they’re bad or good. Even if I am 95% over something, there’s still that small percentage of me that will cling to the 5% as though I want to be stuck in that same mindset of confusion and unforgiveness. Well, holding onto even the smallest piece of unforgiveness can lead to bitterness, which can also lead to the development of trauma. Now I know what you’re thinking, this is getting deep pretty fast, but trust me, I’m getting somewhere.

The absolute definition of trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. Another definition states that it is a severely disturbing experience that leads to lasting psychological or emotional impairment. On top of all of that, there are also three types of trauma that a person can experience in their lives: Acute trauma that can develop from one thing that happened. Chronic trauma, which is basically the same thing happening again and again as in cases of abuse. Lastly, there’s complex trauma, which involves more than one event, and more than two people hitting you on a personal level. The last one sounds like the worst that you could possibly experience, and I believe that many of us have probably encountered at least one of these in our time on Earth.

I talked a lot in my last article about my experiences with racism, and the way that a couple of people that I knew projected certain behaviors toward me that were not outwardly racist or prejudicial, but when I really evaluated it, I knew what it really signified. They stemmed from White supremacist and extreme Nationalist viewpoints that don’t make the U.S. look as pretty as its flag. This doesn’t mean that they were bad people, however, they were very mistaken when they put me under their presupposed “glass ceiling”, thinking that I would be there forever. I never talked to those people about how it made me feel when they said those things, so it ended up inside me, all welled up and ready to burst. It is only now in the present, that I’ve started to realize the effect it had on me, an affect that they will probably never fully acknowledge and understand. At the moment, I know that I am no therapist or psychologist, but it seems like I might’ve been experiencing chronic trauma this entire time. And it shows.

With all of the events going on in the world today, everyone’s viewpoints are out on the internet for anyone to see. I go on Twitter, people fight. I go on Facebook, people also fight. I go Instagram, and guess what? Take a wild guess. It all can be too overwhelming for my Spirit to handle. I love to fight for what I believe in, but I am also not extremely confrontational and like matters to be settled as diplomatically as possible. However, when I see people that I know and respect, speaking against the experiences of my people. Or when I see some of my friends, telling my people how they should feel or who they should blame for something that has been historically proven years before this. And when I hear people say that my people should get over what happened, and stop mourning the loss of the innocent lives that were taken in cold blood. It. Hurts.

So how do we move forward? I want to encourage anyone out there who is like me, that might feel like they can’t past or can’t get over a particular event in their life that changed the way they perceive and receive the world. The only way to truly heal from the deep wounds caused by those who have wronged us is by giving it to God. I realized this week that I need to stop worrying so much about how to change the people in my life, and keep giving how I feel about those situations to Him. I may not be able to open the eyes of people that I care about, but that’s okay. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling, whether it be betrayal, fear, or anger. It’s even okay to express that to them, if you’re comfortable enough. The important thing to understand, is that you are not alone. As the media continued to press into our brains, we’re all in this together. We each play a part in the future. We each have the power to help change it for the better. We don’t know what’s going to happen, but we know that we can help each other in the meantime.

We can still lift each other up in prayer, heal from these traumatic experiences, and block the sudden urge to @ someone every time we don’t agree with them. Most of the time, people won’t even pay attention to it anyways, and you’ll be getting your blood pressure up for nothing. It is in this way that we maintain a healthy, peace-filled spirit like the one spoken about in the scriptures. John 14:27 says, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as THE WORLD gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” God is just waiting to give us the peace we desire that we cannot get from the news or latest death rate from COVID-19. There is a way to be knowledgable, without being distracted. So anyways, I hope that this helped someone else out there, or many even just showed you that you’re not going through this rough time alone. Stay in the word, and let me know in the comments down below if you need prayer or support for any thing at all. Love you all so much, and I’m sure you will hear from me again soon. Xoxo.

P.S.,

At least I never did this.

Here Comes Another 365…I’ll Be Fine.

Resolution – [rez-uh–loo-shuh n] The act of resolving or determining upon an action, course of action, method, procedure, etc; a resolve; a decision or determination.

      So lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about future, like everyone else I guess. I’ve been trying to figure out what my desires are for this next chapter in my life. As I’ve hinted at in some of my other posts, it’s been a struggle for me. For awhile, I had my heart set on something and I knew I was going to get it. I had found my calling, and a place that I could home with a caring family. But as most of you know, life sometimes gets in the way of these things and it ended up all falling through. It’s taken so much just for me to get through these past few months. I had to regroup and let my heart heal from all the regret and pain. So now I find myself with several options I’m considering for 2017. Usually when I have too many options in front of me I find it overwhelming, but this time, it’s a little comforting. I’ve been trying to hear from God for so long to tell me what to do, and I feel like I’m finally hearing something back. Nothing is for sure, but I know whatever I do, I want to do for Him.

       A lot has changed this year, for the U.S. and for the world. So I know a lot of people are asking themselves what could possibly be next. Some are still upset, some are optimistic. Me? I’m always the optimistic type, especially at the end of the year. I can’t be too upset whenever I’m surrounded by people I care about and an atmosphere of euphoria and elevation. I anticipate something to change each year. I expect something good. Proverbs 13:12 in the word says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.” That word “deferred” means delayed, negotiated, or postponed. It also means, “put on a shelf”. So what happens to things that are kept on the shelf for too long? They’re forgotten about. They collect dust and dirt. You put things on top of them until it’s like it was never there. Therefore, I would like to encourage anyone reading this to not lose hope. It’s the easiest thing in the world to lose hope, and it takes work to get it back, but it’s so fulfilling when you do.

      I have this thing that I started doing, and I think I’m going to continue to do in the coming years. You might think it’s kind of silly, but I really enjoy it. I write my resolutions down, fold it up, stick it in a balloon filled with helium, and send it off at midnight New Year’s Eve. The idea is to symbolize faith that these things really will come to pass soon, even if it’s not all in one year. Last year, I put out some pretty heavy decrees, and some of them have actually come to pass. If you’re demanding something of yourself, my advice is to be firm but also be patient with yourself. Don’t put yourself down if you’re trying to lose weight and you’re 5 pounds off on your goal date. I’ve seen some people want it so bad, that they’ve push themselves too hard, even to the point of injury. Congratulate yourself on the 20 pounds you did lose, that’s a great accomplishment! Sometimes you have to focus on the 90% to keep yourself going. So with that said, I’m going to share with you guys, in a gist, the things I really want to have happen this coming year:

1. To be more alert. I feel like over the past 3 years, I’ve lost my sense of vigilance. Maybe due to stress and the negative thoughts that come with it. Somehow I let my problems become bigger than me, when I used to always be on top of things. But I want to be better than I was in that way, living life but also really seeing the details in front of me. I think it will really affect my outlook on the future.

2. To find my purpose in God. I probably won’t be a missionary, despite the fact that I love the work that they do. I’ve always loved doing youth outreach and female empowerment through things like mass media and graphic design, but I do want to try different things. I really enjoy feeding the homeless and being a light to them in any way possible. I was a part of a ministry a little while ago that did that, and you could tell how much it meant to the people just to have us smile and pray with them. It’s a chain reaction. Whatever I do, I want it to make me successful in ways other dollar bills.

3. Make peace with the past. I’m unsure yet what this will entail, but I plan on doing something soon. It may mean communicating with people I haven’t talked to in awhile, or it may mean moving on with my life completely. No matter how much it hurts to deal with your failures and regrets, you have to take action. Otherwise it will rot away at you until you have nothing left but your “what ifs”.

4. See my family and friends succeed. Everyone wants this. I have a big heart for the people in my life. I have prayed for people, sometimes for more than a year about the same thing and I’ve seen it fulfilled in time. As I continue to pray for those I hold dear, I hope to see something change in their lives this year in a positive way.

5. Listen more, learn more. I feel like I’m a pretty good listener. I can listen to people talk for hours. But what do I really retain from what they’ve said? I think I could do a little better with hearing and asking more questions.

6. Saying No. I have this really big problem with saying no. I hate disappointing people and I can get really down on myself if I do. But standing up for myself is something I’m learning to do for me. Although I love to help, if I honestly can’t, I won’t.

7. Focus on me. I take this one very seriously. I want to focus on bettering myself this year and learning all kinds of new things. New recipes, new languages, new hobbies. This is going to be my year of “wiping the slate clean” so to speak. I think I said in a previous article that dating is something I won’t be doing for LONG while, unless a miracle occurs. All that really matters to me is getting my life in order and making God happy.

     So there it is, my life as I wish it would be. I hope everyone reading this would take the time to do the same thing I’m doing. I absolutely think you will feel more accomplished and goal-oriented by doing so. Just ask yourself what you hold valuable in your life and I think you’ll find the answer. Thanks to you guys for reading, and if you have any questions at all or just need prayer, leave a comment below. Or you can also find me on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube. I hope all of you have the happiest new year ever.